Join a club. Make some friends. really?

If you're an autistic adult who wants to make friends, you've heard the advice:

Join a club. Take a class. Volunteer. Find a hobby group. Pick “structured activities” because they fit your neurotype.

Sounds reasonable, right? You’ll have some common ground, and you won’t have to think of things to talk about because the structure provides it.

It sounds like autistic nirvana on a golden platter.

And this advice is pervasive. I did a quick internet search with AI and found about 90% of social advice for autistic people fits this mold.

But is that really good advice for autistic people?

I think it’s a neurotypical projection.

Think about it: They figure that if they were in some situation where they have something in common with other people, it would give them a reason to socialize, something to talk about.

That is not how autism works for me. The task at hand becomes the focus. It's not an excuse to talk about something; the task is an excuse not to talk.

Because we are literal and direct (and efficient), the task is going to get my attention, no matter what I try.

The advice also assumes repeated contact will eventually develop into friendship.

Sometimes it does, but there's a difference between seeing the same people every Thursday and developing a genuine relationship with any of them.

A group can give you familiarity without closeness, acceptance without equality and participation without friendship.

SOCIAL TIME OR DOUBLE-TIME?

Have you ever noticed how much of this advice assumes autistic social time has to double as something productive – or as free labor? Volunteering to pick up trash in a park. Helping build a Habitat home. Taking a woodworking or automotive class.

Can’t I just do something that’s purely recreational in my free time like neurotypical guys are expected to do?

Sometimes I wonder whether the secret strategy for the advice is to get autistic people in front of neurotypical folks who otherwise wouldn’t tolerate us, and hope something clicks once they give us a chance.

I mean, they signed up, and now they’re not gonna duck out, so they’re sort of stuck being around us for a while.

If this is the strategy, why isn’t anyone telling us that? Fear of raising our hopes? I see a lot of that sort of secret motive in advice for autistic adults.

It feels like I’m being managed.

IS THIS REALLY FRIENDSHIP?

I’m afraid that what the advice is trying to sell us isn’t friendship, but a placebo-like thing that’s adjacent to friendship but isn’t really the same thing.

Being around the same people every week while you’re woodworking with them isn’t the same thing as friendship. It’s a substitute that maybe whoever is doing the advising thinks we’ll accept as the real thing – or at least close enough to be happy with that little table scrap that’s been tossed to us.

Some autistic people actually enjoy “parallel play” – being together with other people while doing something separate.

But it isn't what everyone wants.

I want reciprocal friendship.

And that comes to my deepest objection: The advice tends to carry a message that friendship is something we earn by showing competence, usefulness, commitment or productivity.

I don't want people to value me because I'm a productive member of their organization, a competent craftsman or a reliable volunteer.

I want people to enjoy me as a person.

WE NEED BETTER ADVICE

I'm not saying autistic adults should avoid clubs, classes, volunteering or organized activities.

I'm saying that steering autistic people in that direction, without examining their actual social goals or style, is crappy advice.

And we need to stop assuming autistic people should seek friendship indirectly … as a byproduct.

Wanting friends is itself a legitimate reason.

The results, as always, may vary.

Have structured activities actually helped you make real friends, or have they just given you people to be around? Leave a comment.