My internal thought process is not public property

My neurotypical wife is always telling me I’m too indirect. But in the same conversation, she can tell me I’m too direct – or too blunt.

Thanks to my autistic brain, I still can’t get my arms around this contradiction.

She can’t explain it – and admits that she can’t explain it. So I infer that it’s emotional gut-reaction for her. Probably that the words themselves are painfully blunt and direct, but the tone and nonverbal cues don’t match what she expects.

I might take the time to assemble a thought, pause, look away while processing and deliver conclusion. And then to her, it sounds uncertain, hesitant and unemotional. The words themselves may be direct while everything around them suggests something else.

Sometimes my decisions are interpreted as a rough drafts:

• Wife: “Do you want to go to the party?”
• Me: “No.”
• Wife: “It starts at 8, so we ought to leave here by 7:30.”
• Me: “I don’t want to go.”
• Wife: “We don’t have to stay for long. Go ahead and start getting ready.”
• Me: “I SAID I DON’T WANT TO GO.”
• Wife: “You don’t have to get mad. Don’t use that tone with me.”

To me, that seemed pretty direct from the start, and yet somehow it’s interpreted as indirect. Until it’s not.

‘DOUBLE’ TROUBLE

I get the whole idea of the double empathy problem, but I think some of the so-called solutions are just as problematic.

For example, I got the advice that I should be transparent with my thought process since that’s not visible on my face.

Seriously, I am responsible for relaying my internal thought process – to be transparent that I am thinking and how I arrived at a conclusion? That’s not expected of neurotypical people even if they may indicate it nonverbally. I don’t feel like I have to share my internal thoughts just to prove that they exist.

It may be helpful to explain a delay by saying “I’m thinking.” But I am not obligated to share what I am thinking just to prove that I am competent enough to think.

Why does the autistic person have that burden?

A neurotypical person pauses during a discussion and nobody thinks: “Please explain your cognitive process so I know you aren’t being passive-aggressive.”

A neurotypical person looks away while talking and nobody says: "Narrate your reasoning so I can verify you’re engaged."

A neurotypical person sits quietly for 30 seconds and folks assume: “He’s thinking.”

The thought process gets the benefit of the doubt.

Clarification and justification are not the same thing.

“Give me a second, I’m thinking,” is clarification.

Compare that with: “Here’s exactly what I was thinking, how I arrived at it, what I considered, what I rejected, and my complete reasoning chain.”

My internal thought process is not public property.